i am angry with the universe.
i am experimenting with the limitations of our relationship.
i am confident the universe will be able to withstand my petty emotions,
but i wonder if this route is an appropriate one to take...
in an attempt to rationalize, i will now justify that i, as a member of this universe, am entitled to feel however i damn well want to.
i think i have a problem with jesus because of the fearful reverence aspect. there are plenty of people who have every right to be pretty pissed off at (insert deity here) for something or another. but you never really hear anyone say "i am pissed at jesus today for (insert malady here)" because they are afraid of lightning or hell or swine flu or something of that nature...
my meager knowledge of buddha leads me to assume no one is ever pissed at him directly because he was just a teacher of peace and never really did anything to anyone directly.
and the atheists have no one in particular to be pissed at, so (as my therapist would say): they are internalizing their feelings- which must be the reason they are so generally pissed all the time.
so i am angry with the universe.
actually i am just bored, which turns itself into a self-constructed state of lonely... but anger is a more familiar emotion, so i would rather call it by the latter.
truthfully, though, my soul is yearning for something substantial, but that is terrifying so i prefer to be angry instead.
fuck feelings. they jumble up my insides like pressure suits in outer space.
i really want a puppy.
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i love this.
ReplyDeleteFirst...does your mommy know about this blog?
ReplyDeleteSecond... I remember feeling all of this... no, really... all of this- for the first time since I've known you, I think you are "just like everyone else" with this one... and that is kind of cool. We all wade in frustration- unsure, unguided and often lonely... and yet, the fact that so many of us are wandering in the midst together means that fundamentally we are not alone, and that just maybe we are doing exactly what we should be- finding meaning... finding ourselves. Believe it or not, you probably want a puppy because you want to be needed- and loved. Many of us need you in our lives- but forget to tell you- loved... well, I pretty much know at least 10 people who feel great love for you... naw... make that 15... love you girl- love your guts.
aww thanks gibson! (and lou too!)and i dont know if mom knows about it or not. it's nice to know that i'm loved, well reminded anyways, because of course i know. p.s. this was not a middle school ploy to get praise, as much as it seems that way- i have just been venting as soon as i can word the feelings so i dont feel so anxious. it's helping :)
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