a healthy hunger

i am feeling restless in this skin.
i'm finally coming to terms with this simple fact:
there. are. no. rules.
obligations are silly constructs of the conscience, usually based in guilt and fear.
hoop-jumping is a learned behavior, and
i was never much for PE.

cue the juxtaposition:
i like to plan things. i like lists, and diagrams, and rubrics, and instructions. i like to scribble daily to-do's on napkins and paper bags. the irony is i often then leave said maps in my purse as un-winned trophies of the achievements i forgot to accomplish because life happened organically.

and that's just it- life happens organically. no matter how much i, or anybody, lays out renditions of supposed-to-be's, the universe trumps our silly, misguided notions of what could be the best-case-scenario.
every. fucking. time.

therefore, knowing this makes my lists seem futile in the first place, but i make them anyway. why? because as much as the proverbial "people" use cliches like "one day at a time," and stoners on couches in dim rooms sigh "just live in the moment, man," we all still think about the future. it's what separates us from everything else on the planet. it's what makes us human, it's how we contribute to this human condition.

these human brains of ours, they work backwards and forwards.
in the midst of all the rewinding and fast-forwarding, though,
the present is always what we're after.

epiphany: the future is always there, perfect and whole- as is the past.
but most importantly,
this present pulsing moment is what holds us.

so take a deep breath, renea, and hold it back.
hold this moment in your palm.
feel it for what it's worth.
lift it up,
open your hand,
and watch this tiny eternity dance into the eager void surrounding you.
you are this moment.
you have always been this moment.

it is immensely more beautiful
than you could have ever planned out
on a paper scrap.